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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.