Those Words given by My Parent That Rescued Me as a New Parent

"In my view I was just just surviving for the first year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

Yet the actual experience soon became "very different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues around the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her main carer while also looking after their infant son Leo.

"I handled every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following 11 months he burnt out. It was a conversation with his father, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he required support.

The direct phrases "You're not in a healthy space. You need support. What can I do to assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His situation is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While people is now better used to discussing the pressure on mothers and about PND, less is said about the difficulties new fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan believes his struggles are symptomatic of a wider reluctance to open up amongst men, who still internalise harmful notions of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and remains standing every time."

"It isn't a display of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the opportunity to request a break - taking a short trip away, separate from the family home, to see things clearly.

He came to see he had to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she longed for" -physical connection and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son better understand the expression of feelings and understand his parenting choices.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen was without stable male a father figure. Despite having an "incredible" connection with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "poor actions" when younger to change how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that are harmful," he explains. "They can short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a professional how you're feeling. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the physical health - eating well, staying active and if you can, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is doing.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - hearing about their journeys, the difficult parts, along with the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the best way you can support your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead provide the security and emotional support he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the frustrations in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men since they confronted their pain, altered how they communicate, and learned to control themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, on occasion I think my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a exchange. I'm learning as much as you are through this experience."